Wisdom For Extraordinary Living
How Badly Do You Want This?
I finally came to the conclusion that i was made for it. It’s something remarkable, something which holds deep meaning for me, down in my core. It’s a rare gem that i thought i’d always have access to, even if gone unchecked for an eternity. But before i recognized that we were meant to be together, i simply didn’t know if the gem was the right fit.
I sat and i thought as i stared into space. I pondered the possibilities. Days went by… then weeks … and now months … All i did was think, think, and think.
Gotta make the right move. Gotta do the wise thing. Gotta strategize and make the most sense-sounding rational decision. But in retrospect, all that thought only lead to no decision, which was a decision all in itself.
A couple of weeks ago, things changed and that only happened because i stopped thinking. That’s right – i stopped thinking. My logical left brain digressed and things quieted down. The silence set in and out of nowhere i heard a new but old voice.
It was a familiar but forgotten sound. In retrospect, i now recognize that the voice was there talking to me the entire time. I just couldn’t hear it with all the surrounding sounds that were looping around my mind.
The voice was my heart. Hello old friend.
My heart had no words. It spoke through feelings. It was spiritual because i let it be. It was real because i accepted it.
I grew up
a very emotionally unstable kid. I cried a lot – the way an infant needing his mom and missing his dad cries. It was a soulful cry that came from a void which i couldn’t find a filling for. As a child, I was hurt a lot yet i was too young to properly protect myself. So as a result, i probably hurt a lot of people.
Not by choice but by circumstance. Really, people must have thought i was a devil child. On the outside i was The Cool Kid, the one that girls wanted to be with and boys wanted to be like (at least in my own mind.) But on the inside, i couldn’t control my motherfucking emotions.
As i imagine all great intellectuals do at some time, i looked to shut my emotions off. I spent the first 24 years of my life unconsciously looking to figure out how to clip the cords that wired my mind to my emotions. I never wanted to let myself be hurt again. It was just too painful.
A lot of people do this – they just don’t realize they’re doing it. They lose touch with a wonderful side of themselves because they’ve been hurt there before. They stay away from it because they’re afraid. But what they don’t realize is they’re denying the beauty of life.
Anyway, recently i’ve become a lot more in touch with my emotional side and it’s a marvelous place – uncharted territory for my soul to soar and search. But back to my heart.
After months
of being too busy to listen to it, I heard its calling. It finally came through loud and lucidly. So i went against logic and did the thing my thoughts were previously telling me not to. I listened to my heart. Oops?
Well, i made the decision that I wanted to find the gem again. I was ready to hold it, massage it, play with it, learn from it, give myself to it.
I knew in its core that this gem was made for me. So i schemed and planed and plotted the date when i would work up the courage to go check up on the gem that had escaped me.
I wanted to see how it was doing. I knew it had missed me as i had it. I was excited at the potential of polishing it off and putting it back where in the hands it was made for.
The day came, and i eagerly went to go get it. In my deepest of hearts, i expected the gem to be ready for me – almost as if it was expecting me. But when i went to find it, i realized that it wasn’t in the location where we had last touched.
Really? Could it be? I didn’t understand so I looked a little harder. This time i looked just enough to barely get a glimpse of the gem.
It seemed so strange that that i still couldn’t catch it.
I was shocked. Hurt. Disappointed. Disbelieving. Angry. And yet, understanding.
All this emotion fired me up and since i was reacting to my heart anyway, it fueled the fire. I worked harder, more diligently, more specifically, and with more heart. I exuded all of this effort only to find i was pushing the gem away even farther. And after my continued attempts to connect with my gem had failed, it had completely eluded me.
A saddening pain astounded my soul. A hurt beyond the ego. A clinch down in my core. But underneath it all, i knew it was exactly the way things were meant to be.
You see, when you desire something meaningful, obstacles will appear. It’s the way nature works. She tests us to see how committed we are to getting our gem. She makes us sharpen up our vision and find the faith within us to know - this is right for you. By challenging you on your path, she asks you a very simple question:
How badly do you want this this?
Now it’s time to decide.
On Purpose,
Jacob
They made the CHANGE... What about you?
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14 Responses to How Badly Do You Want This?
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LOL Bro! Indeed, she's a real piece work of yo… I've been finding that a good relationship with her may be one of the most valuable pieces to a happy life.
BTW, you've been KILLIN it on the Sensophy boards lately!! Appreciate all the energy you're putting into your passion and i'm stoked to support you in creating your own extraordinary life. See you in a few weeks.
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craig says:
Poetry…
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Penny says:
Jacob,
this is a great post. Rest assured that there are other people out there who have an idea of how that feels – or at least people who recognize themselves in that article :)Best wishes for you and your heart!
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Hey Penny! So happy to see you commenting here. Thanx for stopping by and vibing with me. From one heart to another. Peace!
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Fabulous…We all know too well what it is like to chase desire. Too often we fail to realize what our TRUE desire is. We look through, and miss it comepletely…
I know how bad I want it…I know that it is finding it's way to me!
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Deep Dawn! TRUE desire for a fulfilling existence. Excited for you to continue to move toward it! -=)
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Jeannie says:
Wow! Jacob, interesting–todays "Sensophy" sounds like a recent meeting I had with my therapist….childhood hurt and abuse has led to my inability to control or even handle my emotions. So, I do everything…anything… to not hear the silence. I figured out that, in my mind, the silence would lead to the hurt again…maybe. So, I keep a facade' of silly, ding-y, not serious, shield in front of me most of the time. I'm sure this fact has led to my not finding, or at least, keeping a "soul-mate". But, my recent therapist has suggested short times of quietness to hear the "voices of the heart" as you described. I have a hard time finding what I am suppose to hear or listen to, but I'm working on it. __Thank you sooo much for your insight on this subject today. I have found some depth to what I am suppose to be listening for due to your insight. Thanks again–Jeannie
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Hey Jeannie!! Wow, thats some deep stuff 4sho. Much love to you for opening up and allowing yourself to be seen uncensored.
I personally love me some silly, ding-y, not seriousness in my life as i be lack an optimal dosage – its very healthy for me. But i can totally understand where you're coming from.
Your inclination to stay away from silence makes a lot of sense. I've definitely felt that feeling as well. And as counterintuitive as it may sound, have you tried meditation? Its helped me with this A LOT! I focus on my breathe and often repeat an affirmation. Actually, I just finished a 15min session and my manta was: "My fears are turning funny as they continue to dissolve." (a little subconscious mind training!!)
Its great that you're exploring a deeper understanding of yourself in therapy. One of the things i heard recently was when it comes to our pain/fear/stress/obstacles, don't look to completely eliminate them. Instead, look to make them less intense, less frequent, and for a short duration of time. That mindset helped me a bit.
Honored by your warm words and how you're so receptive to the writing here. BIG HUGS!!
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From the heart Jacob!
It takes tremendous courage to peal back the veil and allow yourself to really stand in sincere vulnerability and acknowledge your truest, deepest desire…. But courage is GAINED by doing so!
Things are changing at Sensophy… and with you….change is good.
I just tell myself every day "From the heart, with baby steps, I am on MY journey…that's it that's all, just keep believing in the truth and beauty of the path…the rest will unfold as it is meant to ….for my highest good"
love and light to all!-
Kathy!!! I think so too… and WOW, that is one hell of a kick ass mantra. Mind if i jot that down in my journal? ;)
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Kathy says:
Courageous post, Jacob…full of heart, insight, and vulnerability…as you open yourself up and people respond with love, care, and a resonance of their own, you know they are responding to the real you and not some composite of anything or anybody else. The real you gets all the honors…thanks for always standing in your own truth…
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That last one was from me, Kathy G…E's mom…guess I have to be more specific with all these peeps you got now!
I feel like I just pulled back the curtains and read your soul dude….
That mother nature can be a bitch… testing you and testing you… She really makes you think though, and sharpening that vision is all necessary. She really helps out in the end. Lovely words J.
Surfs up,