Wisdom For Extraordinary Living
How Badly Do You Want This?
I finally came to the conclusion that i was made for it. It’s something remarkable, something which holds deep meaning for me, down in my core. It’s a rare gem that i thought i’d always have access to, even if gone unchecked for an eternity. But before i recognized that we were meant to be together, i simply didn’t know if the gem was the right fit.
I sat and i thought as i stared into space. I pondered the possibilities. Days went by… then weeks … and now months … All i did was think, think, and think.
Gotta make the right move. Gotta do the wise thing. Gotta strategize and make the most sense-sounding rational decision. But in retrospect, all that thought only lead to no decision, which was a decision all in itself.
A couple of weeks ago, things changed and that only happened because i stopped thinking. That’s right – i stopped thinking. My logical left brain digressed and things quieted down. The silence set in and out of nowhere i heard a new but old voice.
It was a familiar but forgotten sound. In retrospect, i now recognize that the voice was there talking to me the entire time. I just couldn’t hear it with all the surrounding sounds that were looping around my mind.
The voice was my heart. Hello old friend.
My heart had no words. It spoke through feelings. It was spiritual because i let it be. It was real because i accepted it.
I grew up
a very emotionally unstable kid. I cried a lot – the way an infant needing his mom and missing his dad cries. It was a soulful cry that came from a void which i couldn’t find a filling for. As a child, I was hurt a lot yet i was too young to properly protect myself. So as a result, i probably hurt a lot of people.
Not by choice but by circumstance. Really, people must have thought i was a devil child. On the outside i was The Cool Kid, the one that girls wanted to be with and boys wanted to be like (at least in my own mind.) But on the inside, i couldn’t control my motherfucking emotions.
As i imagine all great intellectuals do at some time, i looked to shut my emotions off. I spent the first 24 years of my life unconsciously looking to figure out how to clip the cords that wired my mind to my emotions. I never wanted to let myself be hurt again. It was just too painful.
A lot of people do this – they just don’t realize they’re doing it. They lose touch with a wonderful side of themselves because they’ve been hurt there before. They stay away from it because they’re afraid. But what they don’t realize is they’re denying the beauty of life.
Anyway, recently i’ve become a lot more in touch with my emotional side and it’s a marvelous place – uncharted territory for my soul to soar and search. But back to my heart.
of being too busy to listen to it, I heard its calling. It finally came through loud and lucidly. So i went against logic and did the thing my thoughts were previously telling me not to. I listened to my heart. Oops?
Well, i made the decision that I wanted to find the gem again. I was ready to hold it, massage it, play with it, learn from it, give myself to it.
I knew in its core that this gem was made for me. So i schemed and planed and plotted the date when i would work up the courage to go check up on the gem that had escaped me.
I wanted to see how it was doing. I knew it had missed me as i had it. I was excited at the potential of polishing it off and putting it back where in the hands it was made for.
The day came, and i eagerly went to go get it. In my deepest of hearts, i expected the gem to be ready for me – almost as if it was expecting me. But when i went to find it, i realized that it wasn’t in the location where we had last touched.
Really? Could it be? I didn’t understand so I looked a little harder. This time i looked just enough to barely get a glimpse of the gem.
It seemed so strange that that i still couldn’t catch it.
I was shocked. Hurt. Disappointed. Disbelieving. Angry. And yet, understanding.
All this emotion fired me up and since i was reacting to my heart anyway, it fueled the fire. I worked harder, more diligently, more specifically, and with more heart. I exuded all of this effort only to find i was pushing the gem away even farther. And after my continued attempts to connect with my gem had failed, it had completely eluded me.
A saddening pain astounded my soul. A hurt beyond the ego. A clinch down in my core. But underneath it all, i knew it was exactly the way things were meant to be.
You see, when you desire something meaningful, obstacles will appear. It’s the way nature works. She tests us to see how committed we are to getting our gem. She makes us sharpen up our vision and find the faith within us to know - this is right for you. By challenging you on your path, she asks you a very simple question:
How badly do you want this this?
Now it’s time to decide.