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The Ugly Truth About Pain, Punishment, And Unconscious Self-Infliction
Story time. It’s 8:36AM on Sunday morning and I promised myself I’m not gonna spend more than 30 minutes writing this. I’ve got things to get back to – but first, ideas to bounce off of you.
Last night was my roommate’s birthday and if you know anything about Ivan, you’ll understand how excited I was to finally see him separated from his strict regiment of school, study, and sweaty Thai kick-boxing. The night started off pretty standard – we took the R to the E to the 6 train and ended up on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, a block off of St. Marks Place. Time, time for some, time for some, sushi. Dinner discussion with his 5 med-school buddies didn’t stray too far from tests, exams, and other such extraordinary extravaganza.
A green tea ice-cream scoop and wet hand-wipe later, it was time to hit the town for some celebratory Saturday night sipping. So we cruised and perused and finally found a place called Coyote Ugly. You may have seen a movie with that title – I have not. Nevertheless, we walk in and there they are – 8 girls in skin tight outfits, standing on the bar, bending their bodies in ways that make me not ever wanna have a daughter. High heeled boots are stoically being stomped on the bar-top as these dare-divas pour shots of Bourbon high from the ceiling down to the stool-sitters. I’ve never been one to get “dumb-drunk” but I do enjoy a good show when its offered.
15 minutes into this monsoon of madness, the game changes. One of his med-school comrades comes clean to the bartender that its Ivan’s birthday. Next thing I know, Ivan’s got a dominatrix type high-heel being jammed in his jugular from a bartender towering over him on the bar. Annnnnnd then the belt comes off. Two bartenders turn Ivan around, blindfold him, and literally, repeatedly whip his butt-cheeks with his belt-buckle at full force. Ouch! These bartenders knew how to take the tender outta the bar.
A couple of minutes ago, I was looking through pictures from last night. And as I’m thumbing through them, I find myself saying that I’ve never been the type of guy to do something like that. I’m sure my ego has an enormous part to play in that astute observation, but I’m not cool with getting abused, beaten, and battered in any part of my life.
I’m not a victim – I’m a creator. And if I start getting victimized, I create a solution.
And as I’m here this morning in bed, tooting my own horn and thinking how I’d never take that abuse from anyone, it suddenly struck me: I may not take that type of abuse from others, but on some level, in some way, during some days, I’ve taken that abuse from myself.
I’ve held onto my past wounds like lifelines. I’ve viciously obsessed over my negative fixations to the point of sickening myself. I’ve denied myself self-recognition for how much I’ve grown and I’ve beat myself up for basic blunders. I’ve stayed in jobs as they depleted me of my soulfulness. Metaphorically talking, I’ve spanked myself harder than anyone ever has.
And as beautiful and unique of a snowflake as I am, I know I’m not the only one who’s abused themselves.
So, why? Why do we do it? Why beat ourselves up?
Maybe Freud would come up with some off-the-wall answer like, “If as adolescents we’re used to being punished, it becomes an integral part of how we function, and when we grow up and the punisher disappears, we unconsciously learn to punish ourselves.” And maybe there’s even a minuscule trace of masochism involved. Perhaps in the punishment lies a pinch of sick pleasure. After all, it was by choice that Ivan endured that brutal butt bashing.
So I wrap this rant up with some space for self-reflection.
Are you punishing yourself in an area of your life and not even realizing you’re doing it?
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If so, happy birthday! It’s time to blow out the candles.
10 Responses to The Ugly Truth About Pain, Punishment, And Unconscious Self-Infliction
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Andrew says:
Seems like you hit a "sore spot" with this one man. After the High of the season change and the epiphanies it seemed to
shout over the hills of the future, I have totally been hammering myself about the lack of "doing." Workin through and good
to see that the world provides inspiration still.
Thanks as always. Keep on man Keep on…
-A-
Habits, homey! One of my favorite philosophies is to create good habits and make them your masters -=). As always, thanx for swinging thru and connecting!! With feeling.
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gunja says:
thanks for sharing so openly…n thanks for the space for self-relection :)
made me think….
you did hit a sore spot there…..
I do find myself playing the abusive guilt game more often than i'd like to admit…whether it's for occasional lack of self control over food or not exercising at times or getting angry at my dad when i'm supposed to practice acceptance n inner peace…n the list goes on…
whenever i do something that i think i shouldn't…it inevitably leads to guilt,self-loathing and all sorts of crappy feelings…
so yeah…i am aware of the punishment i inflict on myself at times….but i don't really know how to stop when i get caught up in such guilt-trips n bad feelings…..
any ideas on that?-
yoyo, Gunja!!! -=)
How to stop, hmmmmmmm. Well, awareness and acceptance are the place to start. Just recognizing it is 1/2 the battle.
Then you can create new habits to help you get outta your head. Do something physical – maybe some push-ups, or go for a walk, or take a bath, or focus on your breathing, or call a funny person.
And then, when you're not in that state, you can come up with proactive strategies for coping so when the "problem" occurs, you've got some awesome ways to deal with it.
Hope that helps! Chat soon!!
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Julie says:
So true. And then, when I've beaten myself up about something, I'll realise what I've done and feel bad about having done it – and will beat myself up about that too! I'm finding an external view is helping me, ie someone else pointing out why I shouldn't beat myself up and even congratulate myself at various points in life (I'm seeing a shrink these days and am learning so much good about myself, as well as accepting the bad without beating myself up).
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LOL! That's awesome sauce Julie. Congratz!!
Reminds me of a Victor Frankl quote:
(speaking of our culture)
"Such a value system might be responsible for the fact that the burden of unavoidable unhappiness is increased by unhappiness about being unhappy."
If you dug that, you might dig: http://www.sensophy.com/20-quotes-to-enlighten-yo…
Talk soon!!
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Thanks Jacob – this morning I listened to the PN on Man's Search for Meaning for the first time. Love that timing!
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Wow..this is so true and find that I do this more than I would like…I beat MYSELF up far more than anyone else has or ever will.